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Parents Separating [Mar. 28th, 2015|08:54 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
pc13
Hi everyone,

I am 18 and a freshman in college. About a month ago, my mom told me she wanted to leave my dad. I'm not sure if she has even told him about it yet (which is the first thing that really makes me mad). I've just been really struggling with it and it's been really hard for me to concentrate on school ever since she's told me. She says she plans on moving out by summer. This has become an issue because I will have to share a bedroom with my 20 year old sister. It might sound snobby, but I just don't think I should have to share a bedroom at 18 years old. I could live with my dad, but he works a lot so I would be alone a lot. I would love to move out of both my parents' houses, but I don't have enough money saved up to afford monthly rent and living expenses.

I guess I just need some advice about getting through this. My parents have been together for 40 years and while I knew they had their issues, I never thought they would separate. I'm really upset because my mom hasn't offered marriage counseling or anything, so I feel like she hasn't even tried to fix things.

I really don't want to have to deal with separate holidays...birthdays...my parents trash talking each other...any of that. To add on to all of this, I'm not liking my current school and will be transferring in the fall, and will probably have to live at home because of expenses. I feel so helpless and alone. :(
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mother's day [May. 11th, 2011|07:00 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

raspberrydagger
Hm, it's interesting how the really nitty-gritty realities of divorce don't seem to hit you until your twenties...

So, my dad got remarried about 2 years ago (after about 10 years of being divorced), just after I graduated college. His wife is wonderful. I like her, and I like that she makes my dad happy. But who is she? Is she my stepmother? Technically, yes. But I never lived with her, she didn't have any influence in my upbringing. Is she my stepmother? Should I have gotten her a card for mother's day?? I did text her on Monday saying that I hope she had a great mother's day weekend, so I could let her know that I had thought of her and hoped she was happy. But actually wishing her a happy mother's day felt weird to me.

Help?
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Recruiting Married Females with Divorced Parents for Online Dissertation Study [Jan. 27th, 2011|12:45 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
chcdissertation
I need your help! Recruiting Married Females with Divorced Parents for online dissertation study. Click link below to take study and pass on to others you know. Chance to win $50 Visa gift card.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/FR6BDRT

Participant Requirements:
• Are 18+
• Female in 1st time, heterosexual marriage
• Experienced parental divorce
• Have had contact with biological father in past 12 months

Thank you!
Dawn H. Haaz, M.S.
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Advice [Dec. 22nd, 2010|06:24 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
justbreathe90
[mood |blankblank]

Hi,
I'm almost 21 years old and my parents have been divorced for a little over one year.  I attend college four hours away from home and am financially dependent on my parents.  Sometimes I feel as if money is the only reason I continue to try to work on my relationships with my parents. I do not even know where to start.   It has been a very emotional few years, all beginning with my senior year of high school.  The only reason they told me about their divorce was because I was about to read it in the newspaper.  It was no surprise to me, or my older sister (23) who attends the same university as I.  I've always been "daddys" little girl, and I admit to always agreeing with him, not my mother.  My parents divorce was abusive, violent, emotional and full of lies.  There were countless times the police were at my house trying to control them.  My mother is deeply jealous of my father's life.  Since the day he moved out she stalks him, calls him countless times a day, starts trouble with him every weekend, accuses him of sleeping around and complains about the finances.  She belittles him to me in almost every conversation she has with me.  She has had a boyfriend for about 8 months, whom she tells my father is just a "friend."  She will call my father late at night and ask him to come stay, or to just be with her.  She always says she wants to work on their relationship.  He has no idea she is seeing this man.  He will try to help and she will instantly turn her back and change her mind.  He asks my sister and I constantly if she is seeing anyone, and we lie.  She always is telling him she loves him, and my dad responds with the same, however they continue to fight.  My father tells me about all the crazy things she says to him and I have to act like I do not know them when I speak with my mother.  I am forced to lie about my mothers boyfriend even though she says i'm not.  If my father were to find out it would just cause more trouble and i'm afraid of what he might do.  In heated arguments with my mom, she will ramble about all my fathers girlfriends and all the bad things he does.  My father denies these accusations of having a girlfriend.  My extended family likes my mom's boyfriend, and it has taken me a while to accept him, but I have.  She wants him to come over for Christmas and I am just not ready for that.  I would rather spend Christmas with my father, but she says that is being selfish.  She yells at me for not allowing her to be happy with all of us together.  Am I being selfish for not feeling comfortable with him at my home?  It is not my place to tell my father about her boyfriend, but I cannot keep aiding to the lies.  My mother asks me to move on and accept her new boyfriend so she can move on, but knowing she keeps my dad wandering is what keeps me from accepting it.  I am constantly put in the middle of their arguments.  They agreed they would both pay half of the finances of my sister and I.  This may be hard to follow but i'll try my best....my mother will need money for one of us girls, but my dad will refuse to pay it because if she has the money to come visit us, or go do leisurely things then she does not need his money.  However, her boyfriend is who pays for her leisurely activities.  My sister and I are the ones affected by this bitterness.  How can I get my Dad to pay his half, without him finding out about her boyfriend? These are only a few situations that I deal with daily.  I would feel so thankful for some advice, or encouragement. I know so many people out there have it worse than I do, but I feel so alone. 
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ACOD-Current/In process [Feb. 16th, 2010|02:58 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
angel_eyes2510
[mood |melancholymelancholy]

Hi,

I'm new to the community, and I am really looking for some support/encouragement. Today I had decided to try to find some sort of validation to the emotional turmoil I've been feeling for a few months now-Trying to make sense out of all of it. I never knew support existed for ACOD's, I was never even familiar with the acronym until today.

Questions like: Why is it affecting me like this, Should I really be Bothered by it, Why does it feel like I've been so Idyllic in my thoughts about my family life...Have been whirling around in my head for a long while, and I just needed an outlet, and to find others who could possibly be feeling the same way.

I am Currently 25 years old.  My parents are currently in the middle of a Divorce after almost 30 years of Marriage, and I have two younger siblings. The youngest is 14, the other 18; to whom I feel very responsible to, and for. I know that's not a correct reference, but it's the best way I can explain my feelings.

The Back Story:
My parents were married in August 1980 My mother was 18, my father 23 and the oldest of us kids was born the January Following. I know that My mother, for many years was feeling resentful-of her life perhaps? Of us? Because she decided to get married right out of high school and didn't pursue a college education, and attain her own independence before she committed to a Husband and Children. I don't really know much more than that, about the early times. What I've referenced above has come from her mouth many times as I was growing up- "Don't ever sacrifice your life for a man!", "you need to be independent, you don't need some man in your life, be happy by yourself!!", " I wish I had been by myself, been Independent!! Lived on my own!" or some variation of the three.
When I was young, I don't remember much of my dad, other than the impression of a really loving-if stern- dad. He Owned his own HVAC Business, and was gone a lot. He never had Set hours when I was little, and often left at 7 in the morning or earlier and didn't come home until 11pm or later-it was always for as long as the service call(s) lasted.

My relationship with my mother, in particular, throughout my preteen/teen years, wasn't a very good one. For some reason My mother, I've always felt, was jealous of me-or thought badly of me- I'm not entirely sure why...She was very much one of those " My way or the Highway " mothers, and there was no in between there. She was also one of those mothers who, for whatever reason, couldn't handle giving affection to more than one child at a time: Meaning, once she had another one, all of her attention was centered on the "new" child, leaving the older ones in the dust so to speak. (and I know that statement is very much affected by some bitterness I have yet to let go of.)

I was a good kid, I never got into any trouble, there were a few minor incidents when I was in elementary school with a little girl I was friends with- we got into trouble for taking things that did not belong to us, that were taken care of (and quite normal mishaps for that age), but other than that I'd never been in any kind of trouble at school or any where else. And the same applies to my siblings as well-no troubles at all. (my older sibling is another story but he's been out of the picture for many years-of his own accord.)

My older sibling and I were very much aware once we were both in our teens that my parents were not happy with each other, more often than not, and would not be surprised if they got divorced. The years went on, things apparently got worse. Both of my parents are guilty of Infidelity, However, I believe my father has been guilty of it for a longer period of time in their marriage, and many more times than my mother.

there were many times when I was a late elementary school age kid/Middle school kid that it really felt to me they were having the most problems. The result of this, from my view, was me being tossed like a soft ball between the two of them. One would 'pick me up' we'd go do things, go out to lunch, to the mall or where ever, then they'd get tired of me, and the other parent would 'pick me up' and spend time with me-Not because they genuinely wanted to be with me, but because they wanted to make the other parent jealous. Then they'd both drop me like yesterday's news and the cycle would start all over again.

In my early teens, around 15 or so, My parents really started leaning on me as a sounding board for their marital issues, problems they were having with how the house was being run/not run, as a mediator for their fights/issues with each other. They would take me aside and trash talk the other to me, and expect me to side with them, and validate their grievances/issues. There was a situation when I was 17 that led me out of the home for a few months when I was 17, and just as I had my 18th birthday and was headed back home-My parents 'dumped' their impending divorce in my lap, and told me they were separated. I couldn't and can't say that I was surprised, but it was a heavy load to carry with me.

A few months after I hit 18, I left as fast as I could, I moved to California. I did run away from the problems at home-because I felt so angry with the way I felt my mother felt about me, and because I couldn't take the back and forth anymore. So Suffice it to say: I was hurting, but I felt like it was My personal role to be strong, to bear the brunt of the situation so that my Little siblings didn't have to-but I couldn't handle it anymore, and I have never been good good at sharing Sadness with my family members. While I was in California, I would get phone calls from one parent or the other-Usually my dad, when he was having trouble with the two younger ones, asking/telling me to talk to them and tell them to behave, and I cannot tell you how awful it was, to feel like I needed to do something, but at the same time....like I couldn't ever get away.

This brings it 'round to The Present: My mother filed for divorce once, but recanted about 3 or 4 years ago, because my father asked to be given another chance. During the midst of that, I had moved from California to Hawaii, where I Married My husband July of 2006. I feel now, that I had too idyllic of a future painted in my head...The two families together, visiting, laughing, enjoying each others company- Mid-summer bonfires out at my childhood home, roasting marshmallows for s'mores. All of that went up in flames when I came to realize about 5 months ago that none of that, would ever happen, because my parents were not happy together any longer, that my dad had been continuously unfaithful, and when discovered, he was really unrepentant about it. They had just grown apart, I can understand that, and I can accept it. The way my father went about the situation with his new woman I don't agree with-but that doesn't make my understanding any less than what it is. They are now currently in the midst of their divorce and this brings me to the, 'Why does it bother me so much?' I don't know....

Here I am, an adult, with a Husband of almost 4 years, and a step child of my own....and I feel like a child again...I feel like my home life has been torn apart, all that I'd hoped my life would be like having to do with my parents/siblings, is gone now. And I hurt. I hurt for my siblings because they call me, upset at the latest blow up, or issue that has arisen between my parents, and I'm in another state, and I can't do anything about it, at the same time I feel so guilty because part of me wants nothing to do with it. I can tell my parents that they are being immature about the situation, and I can chastize them as I always have had to do, about how they are hurting the kids...but I feel at the same time like just, hanging up the phone and covering my ears. How do I cope with this?

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Child Support [Nov. 24th, 2009|04:22 am]
AdultsofDivorce

judehopeless
Hey Everyone,

I'm new to this community and I need your help. First here is a bit of background. My parents had me at 16 and got married at 17 they divorced 10 years later. I'm now 25, 26 a week from today, and about to graduate from law school. My parents had a horrible divorce and it was hard on my brother and me. One of the most horrible things was that my dad paid a ton of child support but none of it ever seemed to benefit my brother and me. As a result, I've been writing my final Law School research paper on child support. I need stories from adult children of divorce who were supposed to be receiving support from their non-custodial parent. Specifically I'd like to know if you think the child support was used on you or if it was used by your parent and you saw very little of it. I'd appreciate any stories you can give and of course if you let me use your story I won't use your name and or reference this sight.

Thanks so much for your help
;) Jude
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Intro [Nov. 5th, 2009|10:10 am]
AdultsofDivorce

camper4lyfe
[mood |confusedconfused]

I'm looking for some advice.

My in-laws are divorced, and this puts a huge strain on my wife during the holidays, but most notably Christmas. I'm not good at telling stories, but I'll do the best I can:

My in-laws divorced when my wife was 18 and starting college. She moved home to be around through it all to help support her dad and sister (her sister's 6 years younger than her). Ever since then, she's never had a "normal" Christmas, as I'm sure you all would expect. This is difficult on me because I don't fully understand. It's hard to get a feel for it because whenever I talk to my wife about it, she gets very emotional, which isn't at all surprising, which is why I'm coming to you.

Her dad and step-mom live about 15 minutes from us, while my parents and her mom live 45 minutes away (my parents and her mom live in the same town, about 5 minutes apart), so it both simplifies and complicates working Christmas.

I guess I'm wondering...what do YOU normally do for Christmas/how do you handle it? What am I missing with how she's been/being affected by the divorce? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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Intro [Aug. 27th, 2009|10:36 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
srkolbc
[mood |crushedcrushed]

I'm kind of new here. I decided to join because I feel pretty alone right now. I just turned 21 and a couple of months ago my parents told us they were separating. They've been together for 30 years and they were 30 great, happy years. I'm not lying to myself, I'm very intuitive and it was obvious that my parents loved each other very much. They fought very rarely and mostly we had a great life together. I'm not sure I really mean this, but I sometimes wish that things hadn't been that great, because then at least I could tell myself now that it's for the best. Basically after my sis and I left for Uni it became apparent that we were the only thing my parents had in common and it wasn't enough for my dad (58). He told my mother that he loved her and wanted to be friends and stay with her, but that he was no longer attracted to her physically. This destroyed my mother. After this things bean to get worse until my dad decided to leave. I'd never heard them yell at each other before. Now I suspect my father is starting to see someone (neither one cheated) and I am so angry I can barely control myself. My sister wants me to get along with my dad but I'm not sure I can. And I'm worried about my mother growing old alone. She's 62 now and has been divorced twice now. I don't see her investing in anyone else emotionally.
I guess I just wish this didn't hurt as much as it does...when I believe it. Most of the time I still cannot believe it's happening. It's not fun, is it?
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Is this something you would be interested in? [Aug. 21st, 2009|10:37 am]
AdultsofDivorce

jfa_jr

I just want to tell everyone about something I have gotten into and just get this information out there for those who may be interested. Take a look at my site and let me know what you like or do not like. This may or may not be for you. I just ask you to take a few minutes and check this out. No pressure and no obligation.


http://www.greatcareerplan.com/profile/josephandrejcik

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(no subject) [Dec. 29th, 2008|03:48 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

raspberrydagger
Dear Mom,
Yes, Dad is engaged. Get. over. it. He's HAPPY with her, I can see it. Why can't you let go? It's been like 10 years. Stop saying her name with a sneer. Stop asking me with accusation in your voice if we all had a nice dinner together. Grow up. You are acting like you're in junior high.

Love you, but I've just about had enough of you,
Me
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