?

Log in

Intro - A Community for Adult Children of Divorce [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
AdultsofDivorce

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Intro [Aug. 27th, 2009|10:36 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
adultsofdivorce
[srkolbc]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

I'm kind of new here. I decided to join because I feel pretty alone right now. I just turned 21 and a couple of months ago my parents told us they were separating. They've been together for 30 years and they were 30 great, happy years. I'm not lying to myself, I'm very intuitive and it was obvious that my parents loved each other very much. They fought very rarely and mostly we had a great life together. I'm not sure I really mean this, but I sometimes wish that things hadn't been that great, because then at least I could tell myself now that it's for the best. Basically after my sis and I left for Uni it became apparent that we were the only thing my parents had in common and it wasn't enough for my dad (58). He told my mother that he loved her and wanted to be friends and stay with her, but that he was no longer attracted to her physically. This destroyed my mother. After this things bean to get worse until my dad decided to leave. I'd never heard them yell at each other before. Now I suspect my father is starting to see someone (neither one cheated) and I am so angry I can barely control myself. My sister wants me to get along with my dad but I'm not sure I can. And I'm worried about my mother growing old alone. She's 62 now and has been divorced twice now. I don't see her investing in anyone else emotionally.
I guess I just wish this didn't hurt as much as it does...when I believe it. Most of the time I still cannot believe it's happening. It's not fun, is it?
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: therealocelot
2009-08-29 12:00 am (UTC)
No, not fun at all!

My parents never fought, either. I don't remember them ever actively disagreeing. I think they must have made a conscious decision not to fight in front of us kids, because, looking back on it, it was really rather weird (and I don't think it provides a healthy model of conflict resolution!). In their case, I did sometimes suspect that there were problems, and even one time wondered if they were going to get a divorce, but I thought I was crazy because they presented themselves as such a happy marriage. I definitely agree with you that it would have been easier to accept if it hadn't come seemingly out of the blue.

In my case, it was my mom who left my dad. She didn't say anything about not being attracted to him anymore, but that's certainly what her actions (such as sleeping on the couch during the time leading up to the separation) conveyed. It was definitely really really hard on him, but he's doing better now. He has his own interests and accomplishments, and I think is probably overall happier now (though I'm not sure he'd admit that!).

I was extremely angry at my mom at first, and refused to talk to her for several months, but was eventually able to accept her side of things a bit better.

It takes time, but it is possible for everyone to adjust and heal.

I hope things work out for you and for both your parents on their separate paths!
(Reply) (Thread)