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Advice [Dec. 22nd, 2010|06:24 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
adultsofdivorce
[justbreathe90]
[mood |blankblank]

Hi,
I'm almost 21 years old and my parents have been divorced for a little over one year.  I attend college four hours away from home and am financially dependent on my parents.  Sometimes I feel as if money is the only reason I continue to try to work on my relationships with my parents. I do not even know where to start.   It has been a very emotional few years, all beginning with my senior year of high school.  The only reason they told me about their divorce was because I was about to read it in the newspaper.  It was no surprise to me, or my older sister (23) who attends the same university as I.  I've always been "daddys" little girl, and I admit to always agreeing with him, not my mother.  My parents divorce was abusive, violent, emotional and full of lies.  There were countless times the police were at my house trying to control them.  My mother is deeply jealous of my father's life.  Since the day he moved out she stalks him, calls him countless times a day, starts trouble with him every weekend, accuses him of sleeping around and complains about the finances.  She belittles him to me in almost every conversation she has with me.  She has had a boyfriend for about 8 months, whom she tells my father is just a "friend."  She will call my father late at night and ask him to come stay, or to just be with her.  She always says she wants to work on their relationship.  He has no idea she is seeing this man.  He will try to help and she will instantly turn her back and change her mind.  He asks my sister and I constantly if she is seeing anyone, and we lie.  She always is telling him she loves him, and my dad responds with the same, however they continue to fight.  My father tells me about all the crazy things she says to him and I have to act like I do not know them when I speak with my mother.  I am forced to lie about my mothers boyfriend even though she says i'm not.  If my father were to find out it would just cause more trouble and i'm afraid of what he might do.  In heated arguments with my mom, she will ramble about all my fathers girlfriends and all the bad things he does.  My father denies these accusations of having a girlfriend.  My extended family likes my mom's boyfriend, and it has taken me a while to accept him, but I have.  She wants him to come over for Christmas and I am just not ready for that.  I would rather spend Christmas with my father, but she says that is being selfish.  She yells at me for not allowing her to be happy with all of us together.  Am I being selfish for not feeling comfortable with him at my home?  It is not my place to tell my father about her boyfriend, but I cannot keep aiding to the lies.  My mother asks me to move on and accept her new boyfriend so she can move on, but knowing she keeps my dad wandering is what keeps me from accepting it.  I am constantly put in the middle of their arguments.  They agreed they would both pay half of the finances of my sister and I.  This may be hard to follow but i'll try my best....my mother will need money for one of us girls, but my dad will refuse to pay it because if she has the money to come visit us, or go do leisurely things then she does not need his money.  However, her boyfriend is who pays for her leisurely activities.  My sister and I are the ones affected by this bitterness.  How can I get my Dad to pay his half, without him finding out about her boyfriend? These are only a few situations that I deal with daily.  I would feel so thankful for some advice, or encouragement. I know so many people out there have it worse than I do, but I feel so alone. 
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: raspberrydagger
2011-03-14 05:05 am (UTC)
I know it's totally late by now, and I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to let you know that I read it and you have my sympathy. I know the feeling of being put in the middle. It sucks. Royally. But just because you feel like there are worse stories than yours, I for one can say it sounds worse than mine--and I'm only just learning the true damage of it. Don't let feeling like your story doesn't matter because there are worse ones keep you from feeling like your pain is valid. It is. It so is. Hang in there.
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