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AdultsofDivorce

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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2007|02:11 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

raspberrydagger
Hi. I'm new here. My parents have been divorced since I was 11? 12? something like that. I'm in college, and almost 20 now. I was good and mad and upset when they announced it, but I got over it. I've dealt with it, for the most part. (We'll ignore the "mom's jealous of my dad's girlfriend and taking it out on me" issue for now...oh the joys...)But now that I'm older, some of the more practical issues, I guess you would call them, are coming up. I don't know what to do about holidays. I just don't. The whole two Christmases thing doesn't really work (did it ever?), it's getting old, and frankly, so am I. I have a life of my own, and I can't just be tagging along doing whatever my parents tell me to do. I have choices to make, but I just don't know how to make the choices that affect my parents. How do you guys do holidays? Do you split the holidays between the parents? Thanksgiving with Dad, Christmas with Mom? Do you alternate years? My breaks off from school are limited, and I just don't have the time to try to spend half of the 3 days I have at each house! And I don't want too, either. I want to just go home and unpack! I want to go home and unpack and relax, and not have to worry about how much time I'm going to spend where and with whom. How do I do this without hurting anyone or letting anyone down? How do I do this without handing someone the short end of the stick?
Maybe you can't. Maybe you can't. In that case then, how do you deal with the guilt cards?
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Dad [Aug. 2nd, 2007|02:07 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

redbeka_rose
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

I seem to be having major issues communicating with my father.  We basically had no relationship prior to my parents divorce and he seems to be operating under the assumption that we have one now.   It isn't that I don't want to have a relationship with my father, but it needs to grow, it isn't instant.  He spent most of my life lost in books and in his own little world, there was not much interaction. 

I tried to do everything 'the right way' when they annouced their divorce.  I made it clear what my boundaries are.  I said that I was not ready to meet any one's significant others right away.  I said I would need to heal from this at my own pace.  My mother has been very understaning of this.  She has never poked around about my father's life, she hasn't asked me to not tell him anything, she hasn't tried to lay blame anywhere.  She has not tried to put me in the middle. 

My father on the other hand has had a very difficult time respecting those boudaries.  I had to tell him to stop telling me things on nurmerous occasions.  He kept bugging me forever about how my mum was doing.   He kept pressuring me to meet his girlfriend (which I finally did but on my own terms and thankfully the new girlfriend totally backed me up on this).  Not only that but since I am finally getting to know my father, I am finding there are a lot of things that I don't like about him.  

He is not totally honest with me about things, he doesn't like to tell me things that might make him look bad.  In the times I have met his girlfriend it is becoming obvious that he has not told her the total story about our family - not that there is a lot to tell but he has left some important things out.   He now seems to be getting super paranoid about things, hinting that he thinks I am telling my mother about his life, that I am some how reporting on him (ah, hello she doesn't want to know and hasn't asked).   I am also finding we don't have much in common and we don't communicate in the same way. In addition he seems to think that because he is riding his little steam roller of happyness that my brother and I should just be overjoyed and move on; he has no respect for the time it will take for us to get over this huge change.

I love my father and I want to have a relationship with him but I am having a very difficult time spending time with him.  I am resentful about the fact that he spent 35 years not bothering to get to know his children but now expects us to suddenly have a close relationship.  I hate that he lies to me or only tells me half truths.  Is it strange that I enjoy the company of his new girlfriend more than I enjoy his company?   I know that I should just lower my expectations of what my relationship with him will be like, if I expect less I won't be dissappointed but I still have that anger and resentment there that I don't know how to deal with.  

Maybe I just need to vent more but any advice would be great. 
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Going 'home' [Jan. 9th, 2007|08:44 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

simplewitch
[Current Location |My apartment]
[music |paganradio.net]

Does any one else have a difficult time with going back to that place that used to be your parents' house? I realized while stopping by what is now my Dad's house last weekend how weird it was to be there. (I should add I was there alone, taking care of the cat)

He still has pictures of Mum up on the fridge. There are still things she had put up on the bulletin board. All the dishes, linens, furniture, etc are all still the same. It was kind of creepy. He has changed a few things but mostly it still looks like she lives there. I am realizing that a lot of my discomfort when I spend time with him is because we are in that house.

I have no issue visiting my Mum's new place though. Her apartment has all kinds of familiar stuff in it but I don't have the discomfort of place there...it is still weird that she and Dad are not together but I am working on that.

A big part of me hopes that he sells the house rather than buying my Mum out. I don't know if I can adapt to that place being just his.
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Introduction [Jan. 3rd, 2007|08:49 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

simplewitch
I thought I would take a moment to introduce myself. My parents are divorcing after 35 years of marriage. It is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I have one sibling, a brother, who lives in Seattle (which is the other side of the country from me). Thankfully I have very supportive friends.

The recent holidays were very interesting to deal with. Two Thanksgivings and two Yule celebrations. It was made all the more difficult by the fact that my dad acts like things are no different, when they very much are.

Anyway, it seems it has been a while since there were posts here. I hope things pick up.
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2006|01:19 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

lolli_she_devil
Hi, I'm new and in need of ... an ear to listen? Or some advise or even a swift kick in the ass... not quite sure what I need yet. So here's the story, Tell me what ya think.
My parents have been married for 30 years. They have now decided to divorce. My little sister (24) is torn up about the whole thing and is, quite frankly, acting like this is the first she ever heard of it and that we couldn't see it coming. She's taken sides with my mom and refuses to talk to my dad. She's in tears and depressed.
I feel bad for my parents, but I feel happy for them as well because I see this as a positive move for the both of them. They haven't liked (let alone loved) each other for a LOOOONNNGG time and this may be their chance to make some changes and be happy. I support both of them equally, blame both of them equally and love them both unconditionally.
My sister hates me because I'm not taking sides. Duh.
I am kind of upset about the whole thing, divorce isn't something I take lightly. I also don't know HOW I should feel. Most people I know had their parents split up when they were kids, not adults with families of their own. Am I being too "cold hearted" and "unfeeling" and "selfish" (words BOTH of my sisters have used-- the oldest is a 1/2 sis @ 36 and I'm 26)? Am I crazy for seeing a light at the end of the tunnel? What should I feel about this?? AArrrghhhh. This is horrible. I don't think I (or my parents)should have to deal with my sis's BS when my momma and daddy might be needing help. Comments or Advise??
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I should have thought first [Sep. 11th, 2006|03:54 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

murt19_21
Last night I picked up my daughter from her first scheduled visit with her Dad and sisters since our separation. There was tears, screaming, holding on to the bedpost; It was just awful. One of the worst experiences I have ever had with my children. I left the two older girls (13 & 15) with their Dad, hoping that they would be able to handle themselves enough to stay out of trouble. My youngest (7)would have only had the girls to take care of them. He is working nights and leaves the girls at home alone. Children can only see that someone is leaving. They are blind to the circumstances of what made that person feel the need to make the choices they have made.

It has been 3 weeks since we had been back and all has been good. It was so truly tramatic. I just think I thought everyone would be happy and the flowers would bloom as we drove out of the driveway. Stupid, I know. I feel horrible, but there is no other options that I see. Any advice out there?
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2006|06:03 pm]
AdultsofDivorce
wondrous_sea
I'm glad to find this community, because I don't think I've felt so alone as I do since my parents told me they were getting a divorce. It seems as if I'm the only adult I know going through this...my friends either have parents happily married for 20+ years, or dealt with divorce decades ago and thus think I'm "taking it a little hard" for someone my age (21).

And I'm kind of worried I am taking it too hard. My parents both seem to be moving on and dating new people and yet I feel stuck, like I just want to rewind the last 2 months and go back to pretending that I had a functional family who didn't scream obscenities at each other and talk about their affairs and how they wish the last 25 years could have been erased.

I feel as if the whole thing has impacted how I view everything: my childhood, my future relationships, and even what I want to do in my life now that I feel as if a weight of responsibility has been dropped on my shoulders. .. .I have to worry about each parent, in two different cities...listen to their newfound challenges (which they brought upon themselves!) and the new and old love interests.
I feel so apathetic towards everything and whether or not that's a byproduct of all this, I don't know. I don't really want to go to a therapist or anything, especially since my mom keeps telling me how fine she's handling it all, and how my sisters could care less about the divorce, etc. but at the same time I'm worried that not dealing with these emotions will make it worse.
was therapy helpful? a waste of money? any and all thoughts on going through this process would be appreciated.
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An Introduction [Jul. 11th, 2006|12:39 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

teacherjennifer
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]

Hi, I'm new to this community but it seems like a good place I can vent.  I'm the 30 year old whose parents have been married for 32 years.  My parents have been living apart for quite awhile.  I grew up in a small town in Alaska and my dad eventually began working in Anchorage (about three hours away from the town I grew up in) since he couldn't find work elsewhere.  Over time, my dad basically ended up living in Anchorage but visiting on the weekends.  This has been the arrangement for quite awhile. I knew my mom had trouble with them being apart so much in the beginning but she told me years later that it worked for the best.  Since then, there has been a lot going on in my parents lives.  To make a long story short, my mom told me on July 4th that she has been seeing someone.  Shocked, I asked her if she was going divorce my dad.  She told me that she was.  My parents used to be missionaries, my dad used to be a minister.  I'm a little overwhelmed.   It's very hard for me to grasp the fact that my mom is having a relationship outside her marriage while she is still married to my dad.  I think it might have been easier if she had gotten divorced first and then started dating.  I'm disturbed and very uncomfortable that my mother has asked me to keep this a secret for right now and then feels free to talk to me about intimate products.  I understand why my mother wants to move on, but I think that that understanding makes this situation even harder. 
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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2006|02:24 pm]
AdultsofDivorce

erin0610
Does anyone out there ever feeling completely confused about things that should be so normal? Like relationships with friends, spouse, etc.?
Love should just be a natural thing that people have for one another. But for me, it's weird. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough love inside me to go around. And I also feel like other people don't have enough love in them to go around and that I'll probably get the shaft somehow. Unfortunately I let this dictate the way I do things. If I sense someone is angry with me I immediately cower away, figuring they're just going to leave anyway. Or if I sense a friend and I are drifting apart, instead of doing anything about it, I just think, "Well, that's life right?" and I can honestly feel myself start to detach. Like I don't even care, when I know I do. It's so bizarre. I just feel like I don't look at the world or relationships in a very healthy way and I'm wondering if other people find that and if they relate it at all to their parents divorce?
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Missing Childhood [May. 7th, 2006|05:34 am]
AdultsofDivorce

niff
[mood |sadsad]

Lately I've been struggling with missing the past. My parents never fought openly, and for that I'm grateful. They separated 2 years ago next weekend. My dad is getting married next weekend.

As a child, I felt very safe. Life wasn't perfect, my parents had their flaws, but I knew, no matter what, they were there for me. As I would fall asleep in my room I knew that if I needed to talk to my dad or mom, they'd be right there. My dad forewent a lot of opportunities in order to be more available to us kids (4 of us). So he was usually around on the weekends and in the evenings. We'd talk about everything from life to politics to social policy from the time I was a little kid on up. My mom was a stay at home mom... and sooo sweet. Not exactly organized, and she hated most SAHM jobs (like cooking and cleaning), but she always played with us and read to us, sang with us...

Now I'm a Grown Up. I'm very happily married, and have been in this relationship for 4 years. I'm not sure what has brought on these feelings of late. Perhaps it was that, when I moved out to go to college 6 years ago, things were really tense at home, and I was grateful to be out of the house. But now I remenisce back to when I was younger, before the tension... when I felt so safe, so protected, so loved, and had no responsibilities. I just knew no matter what happened, my mom and dad would take care of me.

I'm not unhappy that my parents divorced. They were so opposite and miserable. But I feel as though these memories are like shadows that seem to be just out of reach. If I stretch my hand out, I should be able to grasp the past, and make it real again.
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