||[May. 7th, 2006|05:34 am]
Lately I've been struggling with missing the past. My parents never fought openly, and for that I'm grateful. They separated 2 years ago next weekend. My dad is getting married next weekend.
As a child, I felt very safe. Life wasn't perfect, my parents had their flaws, but I knew, no matter what, they were there for me. As I would fall asleep in my room I knew that if I needed to talk to my dad or mom, they'd be right there. My dad forewent a lot of opportunities in order to be more available to us kids (4 of us). So he was usually around on the weekends and in the evenings. We'd talk about everything from life to politics to social policy from the time I was a little kid on up. My mom was a stay at home mom... and sooo sweet. Not exactly organized, and she hated most SAHM jobs (like cooking and cleaning), but she always played with us and read to us, sang with us...
Now I'm a Grown Up. I'm very happily married, and have been in this relationship for 4 years. I'm not sure what has brought on these feelings of late. Perhaps it was that, when I moved out to go to college 6 years ago, things were really tense at home, and I was grateful to be out of the house. But now I remenisce back to when I was younger, before the tension... when I felt so safe, so protected, so loved, and had no responsibilities. I just knew no matter what happened, my mom and dad would take care of me.
I'm not unhappy that my parents divorced. They were so opposite and miserable. But I feel as though these memories are like shadows that seem to be just out of reach. If I stretch my hand out, I should be able to grasp the past, and make it real again.